うにまつり

I'm trying to psyche myself up for next week's BIGGEST Taneichi festival, the "uni" (sea urchin) festival. Yes, they actually have a day to commemorate what is quite possibly the most unsatisfying, revolting, impalatable Japanese food...far worse than octopus, squid and horse.

If I fasted the next 8 days, I still would refuse to eat 'uni'.

Uni looks like vomited peanut butter paste and has a consistency of curdled milk/cottage cheese. The 'lumpiness' texture comes from the reproductive/respiratory/digestive systems of the sea urchin. These drawings, by some of my Taneichi Elem. school kids, illustrate that fact that little culinary expertise is required to prepare uni for eating.

You can pluck the urchin from the sea, by hand, jam a pliers-like tool into it and crack it open like an egg. Next, you spoon out the insides, close-you-eyes-hold-your-breath-think-happy-thoughts-of-Chipotle burritos, and throw it down the shoot.

It's understandable why Japanese people eat such foods due to its island nation location. I'm sure, deep down, they are CRAVING some pork chops and sirloin steaks...but how do you get your hands on red meat in Japan, when only some 10% of the country is available for agricultural purposes? What's the purpose of eating 'uni'? It doesn't fill you up, it doesn't have any known health benefits and it's an expensive 'delicacy'. How one can justify eating an 'echinoderm', which are in the same family as sand dollars and starfish...would you eat these? I rest my case. Suffice to say, the sea urchin 'business' is thriving and the leading industry in Taneichi. However, after surveying reliable members of the community (both pre-schoolers and drunk elderly folks at the local bar), it seems only about 50% of people eat "uni". And with numbers like that, is an all-out 10 hour uni-eating-festival neccessary?
I will go to the festival as an act of protest (and because it is in my front yard). But unlike last year's uni-fests, I will NOT succumb to the culturally-insensitive-pressures- that-be for me to consume anymore sea urchin testicles (no matter how it is prepared): in soup, over salad, under rice, raw or cooked. I paid my dues last summer and my colon has yet to recover. Say a prayer that I survive the festival and be a pal & eat something delicious for me this week!